The Grace to Grieve

I am patient when it comes to ministry endeavors. I am patient when someone abruptly cuts me off in (Atlanta) traffic. I am patient when a family of deer come inches from taking out my headlights (in NC). I am patient in helping others navigate their trials. I am patient as I lift prayers and climb through Scripture, literature, and biblical commentaries to exegete a text.  I can be very patient, but I’ve found that I lack patience in my grieving process.
 
It’s been six months since Mom passed and two months since Dad transitioned, yet there are still days when I experience the lowest of lows. It is the low points that leave me perplexed and distraught for surely, I should have learned how to cope with the loss by now, right?
 
As a self-proclaimed “over-achiever” I find the grieving process to be exhausting and time-consuming. I’m not fond of crying, so embracing my tears is a matter in and of itself (for another post). Furthermore, making sense of such great and traumatic loss isn’t something that comes over night for I am 29 years old and both of my parents are dead. That truth alone is a mouth-full; it is a truth that I still struggle to embrace some days. The truth of the matter is that I don't enjoy the grieving process (at all), yet when I seek God on the matter He always reminds me of His “grace.”
 
I once heard grace described as “unmerited favor from God.” However, I never considered it in terms of grief until a mentor sternly said, “Kiya, you must give yourself the grace to grieve!” I remember looking at her through tears as she continued, “…you must give yourself permission to feel the way you feel; to experience the fullness of this process.” As silly as it may sound, I’d never thought of grieving in that way. As mentioned in a previous post, I am Type-A, thus the idea of a “process” not having a chronological order didn't exactly bring me comfort. Yet, giving myself the grace to grieve has been the fuel to my everyday functionality.
 
Giving myself the grace to grieve isn’t always lingering on fond memories or holding the pearls Mom gifted me our last Christmas together. Instead, giving myself the grace to grieve is holding onto the uncertainty of each day; it is constantly telling Jesus how much I need Him on this journey; it’s crying to experience a God who wipes my tears; it's not "faking" energy when I really don't have it; it's being frustrated with God's will without feeling like a hypocrite;  it’s sitting quietly with no words to say, knowing that Jesus is interceding on my behalf. This type of grace gives me permission to be impatient with myself, yet the ability to forgive my impatience.
 
Giving myself the grace to grieve is an everyday process. Yet, in this process, I’m also learning to grace other areas of my life: the grace to forgive quicker, the grace to grow stronger, the grace to unapologetically “be”, and the grace to move forward without knowing every detail of God’s plan for my life.