I am learning that one of the important keys to healing is moving beyond feelings. Yes, one has to embrace the varied emotions of fear, anger, disappointment, hurt, loss rejection, etc. but at some point, one has to  stop waiting on feelings to function.
 
Just think, there are days you don't feel like going to work, but you go; days you don't feel like adulting, but you do; days you don't feel like worshipping at church, but you still raise holy hands (*can I get an "Amen"*); days you don't feel like going to class, but you show up; days you feel like completely going OFF, but you hold your peace; days you feel like giving  up, but you keep pressing forward. If we were to rely solely on our feelings, what would get accomplished? 
 
You see, this life isn't 100% about what we feel. Much of the time, it’s about using faith to press through feelings that are debilitating and/or destructive. For me, on those days when my feelings seem stronger than my faith, I am reminded that though I feel weak, in Christ I am strong; though my life has shifted to a "Plan B" I am still in God's "Plan A." You see, I realize that many of my daunting feelings come not just from the loss of my parents, but in the uncertainty of how it impacts my future. In this vein, I am learning to press beyond my feelings to replace what “I don’t know about the future with what I do know about God” (Catie Caine). As I replace daunting feelings of ambiguity with unwavering confidence in God, I can't help but notice my focus shifting from uncontrollable feelings to undeniable faith.

Death takes much more than an emotional toll on those left to grieve. For the impact of my parents’ death was just as much physical as it was emotional. In the four months between Mom and Dad’s death, I gained 20 pounds (an additional 5lbs after Dad died). It’s not that I sat up eating all night, but being on the road 3-4 days a week left me few options outside of fast food and the comfort treats found in the airport. Aside from the weight, I started noticing random hairs on my face. These hairs turned into patches of hair, which apparently is a common result of unmanaged stress (I thank God for the seamless process of laser hair removal *smiles*). Quickly, I found myself not only in a world that didn’t seem like my own, but I was trapped in a body that was not familiar to me.
 
For anyone who has struggled with weight-loss, you know that it’s not an overnight process. It’s a constant up and down of judging your worth by the numbers on the scale. It’s the juxtaposition of wanting to purchase new clothes that have a better fit, but being too prideful to go up a dress size; it is the juxtaposition of wanting to work out, but desiring to savor a fresh blowout (can I be real lol?). Right before my eyes I’d become someone I didn’t quite recognize in the mirror.
 
About three months ago I made up my mind that I was not going to just lose weight, but that I was going to take my life back. For starters, I wrote down every 5k coming up. I also got back in the gym. I started losing weight (5lbs in about 2 weeks), only to spiral back down.
 
Now, a few months later, I am back in the gym. This time, I have an accountability partner and fitness goals that are a bit more realistic. I am not just working out to lose weight, but I am working out to re-gain my life; I am working out to sew a seed into my future to ensure that when my kids are 29 they won’t be planning my funeral.
 
 So often we allow circumstances in life to impact us, but at some point, we have the responsibility of taking a stand to impact our own lives.