"Sorry"

One of my greatest apprehensions is people feeling sorry for me during this time of loss. Petty, right? It should be the least of my worries, but the thought of people feeling “sorry” for me puts a lump right in the center of my throat (it’s the “Audrey Lee” in me). It is the good-intentioned “sorry” that leaves an awkward silence during conversations when people don’t quite know how to gauge my smile or can’t think of the quote they meant to recite to me. 

Death has a debilitating quality that makes those left behind feel “stuck.” It’s like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle knowing that you are missing the integral pieces. And with every “I’m so sorry” you are reminded of the challenge of putting the pieces back together; strangers asking detailed questions of my everyday life to satisfy their "sorry" is invasive; its torture. 
 
“I’m sorry” was appropriate at the funeral, but now (months later), it is a soundtrack that has no place in my daily playlist. Instead of speaking through one's "sorry", I prefer people speak into my future. For example, my makeup artist recently said, “Girl, I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you”; last week a loved one said “The faith you’ve shown during this time…”; and just the other day my bestie said, “So next year when you…” Every time people speak into my future I take in a breath of fresh air that is a reminder of the awesome work God still has in store for my life. 
​
So is this the most challenging time of my life- absolutely! Are there days I want to give up- you have no idea! Has my faith been challenged, do I get frustrated with God, do I still cry- yes, yes and YES! I am human, yet it is important to remember that this process is a part of my destiny; God created me with this season in mind. Since this didn’t catch God by surprise, He is gifting me daily with grace, strength, endurance, and perseverance to get through this tough time. God has exceeded my expectations by showing me love, mercy, joy, and peace in ways I could not have imagined. I don’t write this blog because I am sad. I write this blog because it is a part of a much larger project God has placed on my heart. I write this blog because of the dozens of emails, texts and calls I receive weekly from people who tell me how this blog is giving language to their everyday trials as a Christian; I write this blog for the readers who need to know of God’s transformative and healing power; I write this blog so that one day I can show my (future) family where God has brought me from; I write this blog for that person who wonders if God is real. 
 
Yes, my current season is hard, but don’t feel sorry​ ​for me, for the best is yet to come.