To: The Person Experiencing Loss

One of the most frequent questions I get from people outside of my immediate circle is, “How do you get through loss?” My answer really varies from person to person, but a recent tragedy led me to put my response in writing. So here it is, an open letter to that person navigating the loss of a loved one.
 
To: The person experiencing loss
From: A person experiencing loss
 
You are alive. Despite the feeling of being numb, dead, disconnected and out of control, you are alive. Every moment you are breathing is a moment that you are surviving. This means that you are already one step further than you thought you'd be. God is your complete life-support, for you can’t do this season on your own. Yes, you are out of control. Yes, it feels unfair. Yes, God is still good and faithful, but it is normal to wonder where He is at a time like now; it is normal to wonder how or why and to explore your unanswered questions.
 
The phone calls and messages you are getting will eventually die down. For now, it is ok not to respond. It is ok to find grave annoyance at what is meant to be the helpful “God has it under control” and “I am praying for you.” People mean well and while the messages seem redundant and empty right now, you will eventually look back and realize that the chorus of prayers is what kept you. Meanwhile, it is ok not to not to feel ok. It is ok to lack an understanding of God’s purpose in this experience. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed by the tasks to be done. It is ok. For now, give yourself the grace to grieve. Though they feel endless, your tears will stop. And yes, you will smile and laugh again. And after the laughter you will cry again...really hard. But you will re-discover joy and peace.  You will feel guilty the first time you actually feel “ok.” You will feel awkward at the unexpected feeling of liberation that comes with death, especially if you were the primary caretaker of your loved one. There will come a time when the memories scrolling through your mind slow down; when memories of your loved one are met with an unexpected laugh or a soft smile; a time when you let go- not of the person, but of this “feeling” that is so daunting.
 
Most importantly, though it may not seem like it in this experience, you will learn so many new and unexpected dimensions of God’s love and provision for you. You’ve met the God who took away, perhaps unexpectedly. Now, prepare to meet the God of restoration. Prepare to embark on unmarked territory to find your new normal. For now, your normal may be filled with tears, hopelessness, insecurity, fear, regret, indifference or even ambiguity. But soon, those feelings will be replaced with God's peace, God's blessed assurance and the re-assurance that you are ok. You will relinquish regret.  Everything really is going to be ok.

Yours in Christ,

​Pastor Kiya