Perfect Timing

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As I tried to make sense of my mother’s fatal diagnosis, I called my boyfriend. We’d dated over a year and within that time he’d developed the most beautiful relationship with my parents. Mom used to joke and say, “Kiya, if you don’t let him take you down the aisle, I will take him myself.” He would send Mom flowers and say all the right things to make Dad feel secure in his ability to care for me. He was a gem for sure and I knew that he would know what to say in response to this devastating news... Only, he didn’t.

It was around 1:00am that I found myself on the phone with him. He was quiet. He was cold. “Did you not hear me? What in the world is wrong?” After responding a few minutes with “Nothing” he finally informed me that he no longer wanted to be celibate. For one moment, the tears stopped flowing down my face, my heart stopped racing, and my eyes locked with the cold tile floor of the hospital waiting room.

The moments that followed are a blur, but I remember laughing sarcastically and wishing him well; I remember not being able to embrace the pain of the breakup because I felt so numb. I remember him saying something about feeling distant; I remember literally feeling my heart break.

Hours later (at 4:05pm) mom took her last breath. And just like that, within a matter of hours, I lost my mother who embodied my entire world and my boyfriend who (I thought) embodied my future. I literally felt like my life was being ripped from me.

Since the night of that awful conversation, I’ve embraced the power of forgiveness and we've gone our separate ways. However, I’ve asked God a time or two about the terrible timing-- “God, why that night?” and “God why would you have me go through all of this alone?” In response to my questions I always get an overwhelming sense of peace and a reminder that I haven’t been alone one day on this journey; that God never left me. You see, the pain of the breakup paled in comparison to the loss of my Mom, thus in a weird-twisted-kind of way, the timing was perfect. During this time, I've had the most incredible opportunity to experience intimacy with God; to experience a true covenant relationship with the lover of my soul. Thus, when God does send my husband I will know what God-ordained love actually looks and feels like; I will know for it will reflect the love of God in my life.