In Memory

There are days, even months, when I don’t cry about my parents. They are on my mind daily, but not necessarily in sad ways. Their presence is felt in the crease of my smile when I’ve laughed really hard and in the deep breath that accompanies a long day. When I need an encouraging word, I vividly remember words from Mom and when I need a chuckle I think of  Dad saying something in his mountain twang.
 
It is because of the length of time that I go without outwardly mourning, that I am so thrown off when emotions surface. Case and point, writing out my wedding program.  I literally sat for hours with warm tears sitting in my eyes as I contemplated what to put in the area of “Parents of the Bride.” I know it’s not proper etiquette to write the name of a deceased parent on that part of the program, yet I hold in tension the huge role they've played in my big day.

For every bridal dress fitting, I imagine Mom marveling over the beauty of the dress;  I think about the huge smile that would have been on Dad’s face at the “First Look” photos. Every day I long for  "Good Morning" calls I would have gotten from Mommy reminding me of the countdown; and I think of how annoyed I would have been at Dad for constantly reminding me of how much he was going to miss me, even though I was living closer to him than I had in years (lol). 

In all honesty, my parents have been the depth of my thoughts and the very present peace in my matriculation of this entire process. Yet, etiquette tells me to omit their names or put them in an "In Memory" section; society tells me to do what I want. But in all actuality, all I want is for my mommy to tell me exactly what to do; I want her to fill in the blank and tell me what to write in the section under "Bridal Party" where I'm supposed to list the "Parents of the Bride."

You see I go days, even months, without crying over my parents. But today is just one of those days that I don’t want them "In Memory"- I want them right here with me in the present.